I almost ordered granny panties today and it was quite possibly the worst day of my life.

I have been trying to be graceful about hitting middle age. I have no shame in admitting my use of Spanx. But granny panties? What possibly could have come over me? Did I turn 50 in the year 1974 instead of 40 in 2014?

I will freely admit that I buy most of my basic foundation pieces in bulk at Costco. With the effects of weight-loss, pilates, and barre it’s time to restock the underwear drawer. I have been in a saggy undies faze for a while now and someone who may have caught a glimpse gently suggested I turn some of my love of shopping to the task of new undergarments since one can’t bulk shop for undies before finding the brand, style, and cut that works in a non-multi pack package.

And so, I found myself in some sort of an age-induced stupor called to the underwear with the built in support panel for women like myself who, either due to weight loss or pregnancies or both, find themselves with a sag or a pooch in their lower mid-section. It’s the one thing I can’t shake. While I have trimmed down or toned most other parts of my body, I just can’t put a debt in the remaining (I would guess) 10lbs of pure fat stuck to my lower mid-section. Perhaps, it is the stretched out roll of skin enveloping it that gives this particular fat its tenacity. These days, though I will still shimmy into Spanx for special events requiring particularly sleek outfits, I am so over halting respirations just to hold back the pooch in an everyday outfit.

There I was, shopping online, seriously contemplating reinforced panels on my underpants. They were on sale, at Nordstrom no less. They weren’t even that granny-ish. But. I. Just. Could. Not. make myself put a pair in my cart. It was just too much like my mom circa 1980, when (at least with the then 40 year olds I knew) 40 was just plain old 40. If 40 is the new 20 today then this new 40 year old needs to be buying underwear meant for 20 year olds, pooch or no pooch.

Do they sell those in bulk at Costco, I wonder?