Unfortunately (for everyone involved), my 2 year old son recently had to get his tonsils and adenoids removed.  This resulted in a 2 week period of giving my child nothing but juice and having him cling to me or my husband almost 24 hours a day whilst whimpering pitifully.  NOT fun.  In addition, this meant that for 2 weeks my husband and I were subjected to watching a lot of children’s television programming… a LOT of it.  In fact, it got so bad, I had to start shoving tampons into my ears they were bleeding so badly.

Prior to this, I knew my son loved Thomas the Train, but just thought it was a little show with some trains on it.  Little did I know.

Have any of you watched this s”:t?!

For those of you unfamiliar with Thomas or if you are worried you might have missed an episode, (be glad your brain cells were spared the opportunity to commit suicide) here is my handy guide.

Episode starts:

Meet Thomas, the f^%kup train.  Sir Topham Hatt, the “Fat Controller” (what the f”:^k is a fat controller by the way), asks Thomas to complete some task.  Thomas then promptly goes and f*$ks it up, usually due to a combination of not listening and thinking he knows better.  

Go pick up hay for some baby pigs? Sure, I’ll go pick up some milk and strawberries instead, because baby pigs want milk and strawberries instead of hay to sleep on.  Dumba$$. Then, Sir Topham Hatt gets “cross”, i.e. the literally chubby controller gets pissed.  Then he yells at Thomas, then Thomas realizes he’s a complete pile of stupid junk, then he asks his friends to help fix his f’ups… again Unfortunately, Thomas’ friends are as stupid as he is, and instead of kicking his sorry a$$ to the curb, they continue to fix his problems for him.

Good job, children program writers, a great lesson to teach children.  Don’t listen, do what you want, mess everything up, then have everyone else bail you out.  Smdh.

And really, unfortunately, Thomas is just the tip of the iceberg.  Here’s a quick guide to some other popular programs.

Caillou: The whiniest most nasal voiced 4 year old child in the world who routinely cries about, well, everything.  All I want to do is tell this kid to grow a pair… and get his hormone levels checked. For real, every time I am forced to watch this, I feel like I should make a donation to an alopecia foundation. Kid, if you can’t grow any hair by the time you are 4, you need some expert help… here’s a dollar.

Zou: A family of zebras who live in a 4 story house. Where do they put the great-grandmother who lives with them? Yep, you guessed it folks… in the bedroom on the 4th floor while giving the preschool aged child the 1st floor bedroom.  So, then, the brilliant illustrators build great-granny a f’ing motorized chair lift up 3 flights of stairs.  Awesome.  The trauma surgeon in me just knows this old zebra broad is probably on some damn Coumadin, too.

Sponge Bob Square Pants:  A sponge that lives in “Bikini Bottom”?! WTF, they might as well air condom commercials during breaks.

Tree Fu Tom: A show which encourages your child to makes moves like the title character on screen to “make magic.”  First of all, these moves resemble a very drunk Peyton Manning trying to do the Macarena.  If you have no clue how this might look, click here.  Secondly, this is a poorly veiled attempt to assuage parent guilt that instead of your child running around outside, he/she is sitting his/her a$$ in front of the TV.  Let me break it down for you, the 2.5 calories that your child will burn actually attempting these moves will not actually improve his or her health.

And, TV producers clearly don’t understand that the SOLE reason we let our children watch this kiddie crack is because we want their Energizer bunny butts to SIT THE F*&K DOWN and SHUT THE HELL UP!

Don’t even get me started on Curious George. That monkey needs a tranquilizer shot in his a$$…