As a physician, I wanted to let all moms know, that Yes! Finally! Our suspicions about the sudden loss of bony structures in our toddlers is a real phenomenon. And, the medical community is finally taking note.
I noticed in the latest version of my owner’s manual (version 2,3664.01….), you know the book that tells you how to do everything the “right way” so you always know what to do with your children at all ages and stages? Yeah, that one. Well, I was perusing my latest downloaded version, and this sudden inability of my toddler to stand up or maintain his own body weight against gravity is explained!
It is called… Invertebrate Toddler-itis.
Symptoms are chiefly exhibited by acute flaccid paralysis, which is usually accompanied by watery discharge from eyes and nose (aka crying hysterically), loud wailing only interrupted by said child inhaling deeply only to begin wailing again, and a flushed face.
Typical situations in which you might find this occurring: attempting to strap your toddler into his or her stroller or carseat when they all of sudden decide that they don’t want to go bye-bye, when telling your toddler it is “night-night” time, or when you finally are able to wrestle that last crumbling goldfish out of their tiny vice-like fists at dinnertime in an effort to promote the eating of vegetables.
The onset of this condition is typically sudden, and the duration varies according to situation. It is extremely important to note that when this condition occurs in public, it will absolutely, every single time, without a doubt, last twice as long as any episode which occurs in your own home. Equally, the more people that are able to witness the episode, the longer it will last.
Although there are documented reports of prevention attempts, (I myself tried taping popsicle sticks behind my toddler’s joints before venturing out into public as a sort of exo-skeleton), none have been successful so far.
It can’t be prevented, and it can’t be cured. But, let us hope, with awareness and maybe a(n)
ice bucket wine bottle challenge or two, enough money will be raised to launch and support the genomic research that this condition rightly deserves.
Now, let’s all bow our heads and join in the daily prayer of all toddler parents everywhere.
“Dear Baby/Toddler Jesus, Please let me
not get enraged by, put myself in time out because of, or disown love my child today. Amen.”