Many things have changed in my life since becoming a mother. Admittedly my tummy is a little softer, I have 1,000 pictures on my cell phone, and my house looks like a defunct Toys R Us. However, I have also noticed my language has changed. Although there are some new words and phrases, I am still using most of the same words from my previous pre-child life, but with much different meanings. I hate to say it, but I now speak Momglish.
Momglish (definition) – vernacular used by women with small offspring, a version of English. Examples below.
Happy hour: Although this used to be where you went with your girlfriends to try and meet hot guys in suits after work, it now means nap time.
Having company in the bathroom: In common English, this means someone is getting some nookie. However, in Momglish this term refers to every bathroom visit from the time a child is born until they turn 4, when you can begin to lock them out with some security they won’t drown themselves or burn the house down in the 3 minutes of time you are allowed.
The “other” toy box: Also known as the tub in the master bathroom. In English, these are known or viewed as “soaking tubs”, implying blissful nights of warm bubble baths while drinking wine. See below.
Now these are the tubs that commonly get clogged with small toy parts.
Blowout: Although in English this term is used in reference to perhaps a big store sale or an awesome party, in Momglish this means that poo has exceeded the confines of a diaper. Usage in a sentence: “What is that smell? Did a small animal die in your car?” “Oh, no, my kid just had a blowout in his carseat last night.” However, this does not necessarily meet the criteria for a poo-nami, see definition below.
Poo-nami: a tsunami of poo, literally a s**t storm. And, there are categories. These categories correlate with how many surfaces the poo has reached. Examples given below:
Category I: Poo is present on the crib sheets.
Category II: Poo is present on the crib sheets, and on the crib itself.
Category III: Poo is present on the crib sheets, on the crib, and on the wall.
Category IV: Poo is present on the crib sheets, on the crib, on the wall, and for some ungodly reason, the ceiling.
I’ll think about: This actually means Hell no, but we are in public and either I don’t want the people overhearing this conversation to think I’m mean or I just don’t want said offspring to show the entire world how red a child’s face can get or the highest octave a human voice can reach.
We’ll be right there: We’ll be there in an hour. Herding small animals that poop on themselves is never a quick task.
Getting ready: Although this is Gisele’s version of it (insert need for anti-nausea medication here), My version consists of applying mascara in the car at stoplights and putting on a headband to disguise the fact that my hair hasn’t been brushed in 2 days.
Alone time: Ha! I threw this in just as a joke, these words don’t exist in Momglish.
Although it is a bit disturbing to admit that a significant portion of my everyday language now refers to bowel movements, I pride myself that at least I’m not wearing Mom jeans:)
Happy Early Mother’s Day to my fellow Momglish speakers!